Administrative Discharge Board

The Louisiana Army National Guard is finally holding the administrative discharge board to discharge me for being transgender, this coming Wednesday, February 5th, 2014.

I finally have a JAG lawyer to help defend me and I wish that I could say that we have high hopes, but we don't. It's pretty much an open and shut case. To them.

I, on the other hand will have the opportunity to address the board. This is what I'm going to say:

Have any of you lost a child while fighting a war? I have. Do you have any idea of how that affects a parent? I do.

Do you know of the bargaining with God that occurs when you get called into the tent and the Chaplain can only tell you that "one" of your sons has died and you have to call home to find out which?

Can you for just a second imagine that phone call? How do I accurately describe hearing my wife scream "Joel is dead"?

I remember my knees going weak, I remember my stomach so upset that I wanted to throw-up. I remember thinking about my wonderful wife and children and wondering how, a half a world away, how they were going to make it without me?

10 years ago this week, I lost my son while I was fighting for our country in Iraq as a UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter crewchief and door gunner.

After spending three weeks at home with my family, I was told I had to return to war. Is three weeks at home enough?
 Not at all.
 I briefly toyed with the idea of simply not going back but staying at home with a family and a mother who so desperately needed me. Instead, I was told that my unit needed me when I requested an extension. I returned to Iraq and fought alongside the other members of my unit.

God forbid, but, would I do that again? Absolutely not, I would have stayed home and taken care of my precious family. Isn’t that what a husband and father is supposed to do.

What happened when I returned to Iraq has changed my life.

During my time in combat, I flew almost 250 hours and this while holding a full time job as the maintenance company’s network and ULLS-A administrator.

The Army places great pride in what’s call the Army Values.

They are known by the acronym: LDRSHIP Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity and Personal Courage. I can think of nothing in this life that requires more honor or personal courage than to commit to being yourself. I embodied that to the best of my abilities.

These are the Army Values combined with examples of each that I exhibited these are:


Loyalty


Returning to Iraq to re-join my unit after the death of my son is a good indication of loyalty

Duty


18 years of loyal service, including a deployment and many hurricanes including Katrina and Rita

Respect


Rising from enlisted to the officer ranks has only increased my respect for my brothers-in-arms and what they experience. 


Selfless Service


Ask my family what they think about selfless service and my combat deployments and then more importantly the many hurricane deployments leaving them at home to fend for themselves.


Honor


The knowledge that the President and the U.S. Army had the full faith and confidence in my abilities to commission me an officer.


Integrity


My blemish free record speaks for itself


Personal Courage


The fact that I’m being open finally with such a private part of my life, a part that had been hidden for so long is very indicative of personal courage. It is but the most recent.

As you know, I have had 18 years of honorable service. I enlisted in 1983 as a private on active duty. I spent 4 years in the Field Artillery as a Lance Missile Crewman. After four years I ETSed and served two years in the Louisiana

National Guard’s C co, 769th Engineer Bn as a Heavy Equipment Operator. I got out after completing this tour honorably and spent 10 years as a civilian, building a life and family. I returned in 2000 to the Louisiana National Guard and the 1st Bn 244th AVN, where I spent 7 years as a Blackhawk crewchief. It was after these experiences that I realized that I couldn’t fly anymore because of the trauma and needed to reclassify to something that did not fly or was near airplanes.

My civilian occupation for the last 20 years has been as a computer specialist. Considering this background, I found that I could become a Warrant Officer and Signal Systems Technician; a position that I hold today and feel that I really can contribute too.

At the 10 year mark of my career, I made Staff Sergeant, I spent 4 years at this rank, then applied for and was accepted into Warrant Officer Candidate School. I went on to graduate both WOCS and then WOBC in 2009.

Additionally, I've received the

Air Medal


Army Commendation Medal

Army Achievement Medal (3 rd Award)

Army Good Conduct Medal

National Defense Service Medal (2 nd Award)

Global War On Terrorism Expeditionary Medal

Global War On Terrorism Service Medal

Armed Forces Reserve Medal W/M Device

Humanitarian Service Medal

Armed Forces Service Medal


Army Service Ribbon


Overseas Service Ribbon
Army Reserve Components

Overseas Training Ribbon Louisiana War Cross

Louisiana Emergency Service Ribbon


F. Edward Hebert Meritorious Unit Commendation


Combat Action Badge


Honorary Commission Saint Charles Parish Sheriff's Department


Four years membership in Louisiana National Guard's SRT team


32 Challenge Coins, the highest of which is the Secretary of the Navy


Twice represented 204th at Louisiana Army National Guard's Soldier of the Year competition.


NCIS Badge, pin and patch from appreciative NCIS agent.

The Armed Forces have always had transgender service members. Evidence is presented for a HyperMasculine phase of development that coincides with the age of enlistment in nearly all gender dysphoric cases involving the military. The psychodynamic underpinnings of the choice to enlist are discussed in this theory. Current military policies, in association with a proposed hypermasculine phase of transsexual development, may actually result in a higher prevalence of transsexualism in the military than in the civilian population. What this describes is a destination where both male to female and female to male transsexuals can go to find their male selves. The male to females go to the service in a bid to become real men and rid themselves of these feelings they or society doesn’t understand. The female to males join to become the men they know themselves to be. Many female to males go on to become productive members of the armed services. Some even are out as transitioned men with the full knowledge of their chains of command.

The Nebraska National Guard has a fully transitioned female to male in their ranks to name but one state.

I’m sure this board and the military personnel gathered can name a few successful transmen on their own. These servicemen serve discretely, because many identify as butch or lesbian to navigate a poorly written and now abdjectley wrong regulation the best they can.


Can you name a transwoman in the military? Outside of me? Probably not.

Why is that? Is it because the military considers violence as manly and that anyone who “voluntarily” gives up their masculinity must be mentally defective and that those who seek to embrace their masculine side are somehow more acceptable or better suited to close with and kill the enemy? We are aware that the services have ended DADT and are even considering women for combat MOSs. Why are genetic women beginning to be seen as capable of the combat MOSs and trans-women are shown the door? Australia, the UK and Canada all allow transgender service, why can’t the United States

I am as qualified and capable as any woman and most of the men. In fact more. If anything being a transwoman makes me better. I can’t get pregnant or have any of the other problems associated with being a genetic female, specifically, any of the 11 genetic female conditions described in AR 40-501, chapter 2-14a. (The very manual that this board is trying to discharge me under). This includes Endometriosis, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and a host of others.

Neither will I be susceptible to the 8 genetic male conditions that merit a discharge described in the same chapter. I am a better soldier for it.
 In my opinion, the DoD should not have Army or any DoD psychiatrists. Or, they should change the rules regarding what is reportable to the unit and why and what is not.
 I went to Dr. Gallagher for PTSD evaluations twice. Once in 2010 and again just about a year ago in March of 2013.

In 2009, the PTSD was bad enough to keep me from deploying the 2ndtime.

However, in Dr. Gallagher’s most recent evaluation last year, my PTSD was not bad enough to discharge me. In fact, it was his opinion voiced to me during this meeting that in his experience, PTSD doesn’t get worse, it only gets better. This directly contradicts 4 other independent psychiatrists. Two of them VA doctors who have made a career of treating PTSD.


Why didn’t Dr. Gallagher consider the opinions of the other doctors when he accessed my VA records electronically via his Army computer? Why doesn't the board demand an explanation regarding this discrepancy?


Is it because of a bias against the transgender and particularly the MTF? We might need to ask him. I met him for a PTSD evaluation, but while there it was evident that Dr. Gallagher had already made up his mind, having accessed read my VA medical records before my arrival, possibly ignoring the PTSD.

This biased and intrusive evaluation is why I feel that the military should not employ their own psychiatrists for these evaluations. One idea proposed is to use the VA for psychiatric evaluations to ease concerns of bias or incompetence.

Could my feelings of being a failure as a man because of the dysphoria and now, as a father because of the death of my son when I was deployed, been due to
 my insistence of implementing "Tough Love" by initiating the phone call that started the process that culminated with the death of Joel, my son; combined with my war experiences worked to exacerbate over time the PTSD symptoms that include: nightmares, night sweats, irritability, anger and

heightened alertness/response caused by these experiences brought on an unreconciled case of extreme gender dysphoria for which the only treatment is surgery? For that answer, just ask my children, ex-wife and two previous therapists what they think.

Please remember, I had dealt successfully with this for 42 years as evidenced by my marriage, family and a successful Army/National Guard career that includes medals, awards and commendations.

In conclusion, to discharge me for Gender Disorder is not only wrong
 because almost a year ago the psychiatric community; the civilian Psychiatric community because I'm excluding the Army doctor that examined me who has apparently not received the update, agreed that it is no longer a psychiatric disorder or mental condition and never was, but rather a medical illness with surgery as the only treatment sometimes. This means that not only am I being discharged for a condition that doesn't exist, but one that very well could have been exacerbated by the PTSD that occurred when my unit deployed. I am here to testify that the surgery successfully corrected the dysphoria. And at one year post- operatively, I am fully healed physically.

The PTSD remains however and it hasn't gotten better over time, but on the contrary only worsened.

For example on December 7, 2011, I was driving along at about 2330 through the backwoods of Louisiana going to drill and struck and killed a deer.

I didn't see the deer until it seemed my car was right next to the little thing. It was in the oncoming lane and at that moment I was alongside, it decided to leap in front of my car. I screamed and jerked the wheel to the left.

I almost missed it.

Now, I can't stop thinking about that deer. 
Unfortunately, It wasn’t long before I understood why the deer's death affected me so much.
However, I didn't expect what happened next.

December 17, 2011

It was a dream...no, a nightmare.
I woke up crying. It was the deer accident that was being replayed. The nightmare happened just as I described earlier.
To a point.
Here's the difference: After I hit the deer, I stopped and got out to check on the deer. I ran around the car and when I got to the front, I saw something that still terrifies me and leaves me a sweating, heaving mess.
It wasn't a deer on the side of the road....It looked like SGT Matthew Maupin. The Army soldier that I witnessed getting ambushed, kidnapped and eventually murdered while I was flying on a mission. This was an action that I wasn’t able to engage in support of these soldiers because of the VIPs that were on-board.
I have always felt that I failed him and his unit by not engaging in some way. By my inaction, I feel that 6 people died and 3 people were captured with only one surviving.
In this dream I run to him and hold him in my arms.
Only, when I take him in my arms, it is my son Joel who is begging me asking me why I left him and our family........


They continue to die in my arms to this day.


Or, let me tell you about Mosul and how the mortars fall continuously in my dreams, the fireworks that send me to dark rooms and closets, the smells that bring me back to Baghdad or as it has been primarily, nightmares of that phone call in the desert.

I realize that others have had horrific experiences, but we must also acknowledge that even though we share common experiences, the trauma is unique.

So, if we propose to base a policy of discharging soldiers who challenge the perception of gender on the promotion of good order, discipline and 
morale, we must prepare for a challenge on the grounds that there is no empirical evidence that transsexuals have an adverse impact on those values.

I've proven that my past history of being transsexual didn't keep me from holding and keeping the Army Values. Nor did it keep me from being tactically and technically proficient.

I’m a year post-operative and physically healed.

The real issue is the PTSD, just as it has been since 2004 and this needs to be treated and not ignored.

 I urge you to consider this when deciding my legacy.

Thank You

Just not for you

My Son's 16th birthday party was Saturday. 

I was told there wouldn't be a party..........

Yes, It's a new day.
Firstly, I'd like to thank everybody who has sent well wishes my way. I treasure the support and love that has been shown. Thanks again!
As you can guess, my life, and those dearest to me has been turned upside down recently.
Here are a few updates concerning recent events:

• I've moved out of my house and into the loving, caring home of my sister and her husband. My other siblings offered as much. However, this was closer to family and work.
• I am attending weekly anti-suicidey sessions with a mental health professional, this is in addition to therapy with my most wonderful and great counselor.
• The division of the assets of our marriage has not been the disaster I thought it would be. Yes, it's early, but I'm encouraged. My wife actually commented that she would have requested more, but that I needed money for transition. This is remarkable in that she is opposed to any sort of transition while in marriage, much less outside of marriage and in contact with our children (such as it is).  
• Speaking of our children. They all have stated that they love me and wish that I stay their Dad. However, if I transition, I am not welcome in their lives.
• The suicide attempt, although unsuccessful, was treated very seriously by the VA. They were especially concerned that this episode lasted almost a whole day. To be brutally honest, I wasn't going to call anybody and ask for help. At the point this started, I knew what I had to do and was determined to carry the plan out. Sanity returned when my wife called me. When I answered the phone, I knew I was going to live. To the VA this was the sign of someone who was determined and committed, not an impulsive act born of a stressful, emotional argument.
• After reflection and counseling, I've realized that some people close to me were clearly not on their game when learning of the suicide attempt that day and in the couple of days that followed. I don't think I've said this, but upon returning home that day, my wife wanted to go out to eat! I remember sitting at the table at the restaurant thinking how bizarre this was. What should have happened was that I should have taken to the hospital for observation. What happened instead was that the next day my wife and I went to a faith based counselor. I wrote about that two posts ago. This counselor was told of what happened the day before. Her response was that I get my meds increased.  Eventually what happened was that my older sister told me that if nobody around me would take me to the hospital, then I should go myself. I emailed the VA and was sent to the hospital that day. Thanks, VA.
• Here is a closing thought: I know that what I've described is so common to all of us that have been down this road. At the same time it is very unique to each of us. I have to keep that in mind, when helping others. I've had that opportunity recently. I surprised myself. I kept thinking, I'm the last person to ask for or give advice. But, I did it! It felt good, and although probably not the most insightful, it was heartfelt and welcomed. 
• I am at peace with this decision to finally be the person that I am. I know that this is what I should have done long ago. I consider it an opportunity for a new day.

Speaking of a new day, check out the lyrics below, or watch their video that is linked at the bottom. It's from a wonderful group called Avalon. They are as good musically as they are lyrically, IMHO. The song is called "It's a new day".

It's A New Day

It's a new day
Oh, it's a new time
And there's a new way
I'm gonna live my life
All the old has passed away
And the new has come
Thank God, It's a brand new day
Lookin' back on yesterday
There are things that I regret
But I put the past behind me
And I never will forget
You have covered my mistakes
And my broken dreams
Now over the horizon
I see the dawn is drawing near
And I realize the sun did rise
Tomorrow's finally here
Now when I wake up thinkin'
'Bout the things I've done before
Memories I could not escape
Well they can't haunt me anymore
Now I can hold my head up high
'Cause I am not the same
You've changed my whole perspective
And with new eyes I see
I've become a new creation
'Cause of what You've done for me
Bridge:
'Cause of what You've done for me
No, I am not ashamed
This heart of mine is finally free
I'll never be the same"
Here's the video: It's A New Day  (pops)

Movement

There has been tremendous movement in my life and the lives around me in the last two weeks:
1.My attempt at suicide.
2.A disastrous meeting with a faith based counselor.
3. Psychiatric commitment to mental health hospital for 5 days.
4. Telling my wife that I was committed (no pun intended) to transitioning and that this is my plan.

5. Being kicked off the island because of my "choice" to destroy our family.  "Need to transition or die" was scoffed at.Remember this is from the woman who said that she'd rather I was miserable if it meant our family stayed together. Apparently, she meant it.

.

Lord, give me strength

Do You Look At Porn?

Do you look at porn?

Have you ever had a homosexual experience?

Do you think that there is a small, tiny even, just a glimmer of possibility that the devil could have his hooks in you??

Do you read the Bible?

Tell me what your Salvation means to you.

What do you fear?

Do you love your wife enough to give up this impulse, this desire and live like a man?

Do you have the courage to stop taking hormones and live like a man?

These were some of the questions that were asked of me this past Friday in therapy session that was attended by my wife and an associate pastor of the church we are attending..

So, if you've been following this blog, or if you're new, please read the post from earlier this week. It describes a therapy visit that my wife and I were scheduled to go to at a church with a pastor. That particular visit with that particular pastor didn't happen.
What did happen is that the associate pastor from the church we are attending now was contacted by my wife. They apparently scheduled a meeting. This therapist/pastor was described as an associate pastor that is also a medical professional with experience working with Trans people. Ok; I thought, it should be better than dealing with the dogmatism of our previous pastor. I was wrong.


As part of her introduction she described her experiences and various ministries that she is a part of. She's a very busy gal. She mentioned at the end of her introduction was that she had worked with trans people.
How Many, I asked?
Uh,....two of them, she answered.
Stick with me, I'll get to those two in a minute.


After being seated, she stated that she approaches her counseling though a spiritual perspective.
Oh, boy; I thought. Here we go.
As an aside, I foolishly thought that her being a woman pastor in a Methodist church would give her a perspective that would be less, uh, wrong.

It was me who was wrong. 

So the course of the meeting consisted of me answering inane questions, ones that clearly showed that not only did she not know how to counsel Trans anything, but that her skills at counseling were biased.

In response to the counselor’s asinine questions, here are my answers:

Do you look at porn? No

Have you had a homosexual experience? No, (to be honest, I wouldn’t have said yes for a million dollars, not in this setting).

Do you think that there is a small, a tiny, just a glimmer even, of possibility that the devil could have his hooks in you? (that’s another one of those “when did you stop beating your wife questions) I said that by the mere fact of me sitting here shows that I’m willing consider anything. For the record, I think that the only influence the devil has regarding this, is on my marriage.

Do you read the Bible? Yes, but not as much as I used to.

Tell me what your Salvation means to you. Excuse me? How about, Jesus died for my sins?

What do you fear? I’m sorry? Hurting the ones that I love.

Do you love your wife enough to give up this impulse, this desire and live like a man? Come on, really? This is not an impulse or a choice. It is.

Do you have the courage to stop taking hormones and live like a man? I told her that when I started HRT, that I considered that they might be medicine for my body, but they were food for my soul. I left it at that.

During the meeting, she turned to my wife and asked her, is he always like this? I kept asking her to repeat her questions as well as clarify some of the more ambiguous ones. ("What are you afraid of?" ) Then, as the meeting was ending, the counselor had the nerve to tell me that getting me to answer her questions was like pulling teeth.

I have a solo meeting with her this week, coming. We’ll see who needs a dentist, then.

So, back to the meeting,

When Lisa was describing how I had changed after I got back from Iraq (2003-2005), she stopped and said that during the period I was deployed, that our oldest Son died. This counselor “tut – tutted” Lisa, saying: “you poor dear”. She continued, “You have had to handle your son’s death and now “This””, She added: “How do you make it through the day?” for good measure.

I was flabbergasted.

Our whole family lost a wonderful, loving, son and brother. We all have had our battles to fight. Literally and figuratively. Not just my wife. No, I’m not feeling left out of this little pity party, but to suggest that my wife is a grieving mother and a wife who is battling the devil inside of her husband was just too much.

Where does this counselor get off?

That’s not all, In the course of this meeting, my wife said something that totally floored me. I couldn’t have been more surprised. Truly. She told the counselor that my mom told her that as punishment she would put me in my sister’s panties.

I didn’t add this for shock value, but the counselors comment to my animated, incredulous denial was that I sure had a lot of anger behind that response.

For the record, my mother never did any such thing. Ever. My family had their dysfunctions, but never was there anything stupid like that.

Back to the session though, I asked my wife how she would say something like that, her response was: “I’m just telling you what she said” I have since called my siblings to double-check, and of course they agreed that this never happened.

So, I guess, that it's time to move. My wonderful sister asked me last night when was I going to come live with them. Soon. There are many reasons to stay in a marriage, I think that I've found a few reasons to get out.

Oh, about the trans people that this counselor has worked with. Both of them. I asked if she could describe her experience with them. She said no.
Flatly.
I was like, hmmm.
I pressed, and found out that both of them were pre-HRT and they both continued on with their transition.

You're not worthy

Well, I can honestly say that I'm bummed. My wife told me last night that she talked to our last Pastor, the one she still considers her Pastor or more accurately spiritual adviser, about arraigning a meeting for prayer, anointing with oil and laying-on of hands. Apparently, the pastor won't pray or lay hands and anoint me with oil because doing so would imply that being Trans is an illness or "condition". 
He would consider counseling me, however. We have a tentative meeting for this Friday @ 3pm.

You know what, I don't care what he calls it, really. The power of God can flow through human hands no matter the reason as long as I'm willing to receive it. Yes, I understand that I can (and do) do the same thing. I don't need a human conduit. However, she said that this was one thing that we/I had not tried. I whole-heartedly agreed. Why not? If God wants to move through a human, who am I to stand in the way?

What sucks, is that what will happen at this meeting is that I'll be told I'm sinning, an abomination and a whole host of other stuff that if I were to describe, would probably put me over the edge.I know this because this pastor has done it before the last time my wife and I "counseled" with him. 

Apparently I'm not worthy. The problem is that I've felt unworthy/wrong/misplaced  in my human existence and now I'm being told the same thing about my spiritual existence.  

I've always believed that church was a hospital for sinners, I guess it's not.

I'm at a loss.

One foot in front of the other

Yes, my heart is broken and sometimes I don't know which way to turn or even if this will all be worth the pain and the suffering. 
The problem is that I can't know if it all will be worth it. However, I do know that what I have isn't working now, so I will follow my heart. When I train for long runs, and the distance seems too great I always tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's what I'm doing now. 
I can't wait to finally live and I can stop looking at my feet.

Would You Like To Dance?

Hi everybody!
My last post was texted from the pits of despair. Actually, I was literally on the firing line. I was on Annual Training with the National Guard and once a year we go to the firing range to qualify with our weapons. I was contemplating using my weapon on myself. Seriously. I did qualify, by the way. Sharpshooter. Probably the highest score since basic training. I'm usually a horrible shot, I truly don't understand how I got 33 out of 40. Anyway, that's beside the point.

I'm in a better place now. Living - not dead. My problems are still here, and I'm doing my best to work through them. I'm performing that old dance called: taking-things-one-day-at-a-time
Unfortunately, it seems that I don't know the steps until I start dancing.
I should know the steps by heart before this transition is over (think: "Backwards and in heels" to quote Ginger Rogers).

Speaking of transition, here is a quote from Salad Bingo - "Family Ties" (third to last paragraph)

I had to walk through hell just to become myself. I threw open the doors to my darkest fears and most shameful secrets… and then I broadcast them to the whole world. I offered my heart on a platter to anyone who wanted to take a stab – and believe me, I felt every dagger. Then I rebuilt myself from the bloody remains, showing the world who I had been inside all along, with no promise that anyone other than myself would accept the person I finally became. The experience nearly killed me. But I finally made it through.

I couldn't have said it better. In fact; I can't say it any better, if I could, Salad Bingo would be quoting me. 

 My sister and I were talking the other day about what Caroline would be like. She is understandably concerned. She likes Rob and because she loves him as well, wants the best for him. She will love Caroline, too, but doesn't know her and wonders what she will be like.
I wonder the same. What will I be like? I feel that this quote above summarizes a portion of transition well.
There is no promise that anyone other than me will accept the person that I finally become.
I know that I've always been Caroline, unfortunately, Rob has danced to all the music while Caroline cried in her room.
I know my siblings will love me unconditionally, I hope they like me as well. I can't wait to introduce Caroline. Who is going to get the first dance?

Tears

How many tears have splashed across the pages of  'Luna' by Julie Ann Peters? Tears of regret, hurt, recognition, and shame. I shed these same tears when I read the book.
As I read through the tears, I noticed that pages were stuck together as though glue from a limitless well of pain rained down upon them.