Not according to plan

     Well, yesterday didn't go according to plan (see previous post), but it pretty much went as I expected.
My plan was to finally lay down my guard and tell my wife exactly how I felt. What I got was threatened to be committed to a hospital for suicidal ideations. Ouch.
The crux of the problem is that I didn't want my marriage to end, but can't live as a boy any longer. An obvious obstacle.
What I told them was that I wasn't so much "deciding" to get a sex change; I was deciding not to kill myself.
The problem is that comment did nothing to help them understand how important this is. They see it as the wrong reason to "become" a woman.
Ouch again.
So, while trying to get my point across about how important and critical it is to transition, my therapist took my comments as a decision to hurt myself.
The comment that did it was when he asked me to promise not hurt myself until we could meet again on Monday. I told him "sure" and then followed that with, "but it's easy to say right now in your office, what if it gets difficult over the weekend?" He said well, then I have to PEC you. I was like "huh"?
I asked him what a hospital was going to do for me. They couldn't fix the problem I had and when I was released in 72 hours, the problem would still be there.
He told me that they would keep me from killing myself.
We batted this around for a couple of minutes while he gathered insurance information from my wife at the same time.
I managed to convince him that I wasn't going to kill myself, telling him that I had plans for the weekend and so on. I guess he was satisfied.
This whole session was to give my wife a status report on the therapy. My therapist discussed the need to transfer me to a gender therapist. I told my wife that I was still keeping an open mind as far as transitioning or not transitioning. And what I meant was that I would be open to a miracle or some profound insight into my feelings that would allow me to stay the person that she sees. But, that she needed to prepare herself that I would transition.
The therapist asked her what she thought about that. My wife said that she wasn't a lesbian. She stated that she wanted to person that she fell in love with. Also, she didn't want the male/female intimacy to end. At that point I didn't have the energy to explain that there are ways around that. Or that if we really loved each other would could work through this problem.
I asked her if she understood that I would not have two X chromosomes, that it still would be XY.
She asked me then why do it. I told her that I needed to make my body match my mind.
I also told her that I thought she was only afraid of the social aspect of being a lesbian.
What I didn't understand at the time is that the reason she doesn't want to be a lesbian doesn't really matter. I can't change her mind. I was hoping through counseling we both could be enlightened in regards to the trans "experience". That hasn't happened. She doesn't want to know about this at all.
So we ended it with me not pulling the trigger on my marriage or my life. I'm no better off. And if I didn't have National Guard duty this weekend, life would be real tense at home. We have a follow up appointment this Monday evening to continue this discussion.
My therapist also said that he doesn't think he can release me to another therapist due to my "fragile" mental state. He said he wants at least another session after my wife and I meet with him on Monday.
My next plan is that I get my point across on Monday. I know you're thinking that all I have to do is tell her flat out. That is a foregone conclusion at this point, there is no amount of reasoning or enlightenment that work.
Things are going to suck for some time.