A deer and many regrets

December 20, 2011

One of my first missions in Iraq was a flight to pick some political dignitaries from Baghdad and bring them to a Marine base west of Baghdad.

These were VIPs we picked up, therefore we had two Apache attack helicopters flying along with us to provide protection and gunfire support.

I was still new to Iraq and would experience something that day that follows me still. In fact that event returned with a vengeance this past weekend.

April 9, 2004


We were flying along in our Blackhawk helicopter, following a major road west. I was one of two door gunners/flight mechanic & crew chiefs. I was manning the gun on the left side, facing to the side like the picture below. 

Me 

Shortly after taking off from Baghdad International Airport (BIAP) I spotted a couple of vicious plumes of black smoke. It was along our path and I realized we would be flying right by it.

Shortly, I noticed an American convoy that had been travelling west under attack in the east-bound lanes. 
One of the biggest plumes of smoke was a fuel tanker that had been hit by a rocket and now was fully engulfed in flames.

From 500' I also saw the figures of many American and Iraqis in a gun battle.

I requested permission to fire upon the enemy below and was told that our priority was the safety of the VIPs in back. I then requested that the Apaches be released to go help out and save our brothers below.

The answer I received was "No". Apparently, their job was to protect our VIPs, damn a battle below.

We returned the same route two hours later. All that was left were blackened hulks of vehicles. No signs of life.

This day, that battle, and my inability to help has stayed with me throughout other battles, tragedies and even everyday life.

The extent of our failure to help wasn't known until the next day. Soldiers did loose their lives that day. 
As GEN MacArthur famously mis-quoted Plato, he said: "Only the dead have seen the end of war" These soldiers I saw fighting and loosing their lives may have died, but their suffering had ended. I thank them every day for their sacrifices.

It turned out that on this day, two Americans were kidnapped. One was a contractor named Thomas Hamill from Macon, Mississippi. He was freed 24 days later and lives a quiet life in Mississippi.

The other was a soldier named Matthew Maupin. A Private First Class from Batavia, Ohio. Matthew that day was listed as MIA (missing in action) sometime in June of 2004 when he was listed as POW (prisoner of war) until the end of March 2008. He had been reportedly killed in June of 2004 but this could not be independently verified.

Matt has weighed on my heart, my mind and my soul since. I've taken it personally that we didn't help and in my quiet time I know that I should have acted like the soldier I was supposed to be. 
Rationalization works both ways. I know that my 1st duty was the protection of our blackhawks and our passengers. If I drew fire by returning fire, I could seriously jeopardize many. On the flip side, nearly 10 brave soldiers and civilians were murdered while I watched.

In the dark of the night, while I am contemplating life, I know that I am guilty.

This knowledge has caused me problems in the years since. How I overcome this, I don't know.

December 7, 2011

I was driving along at about 11:30 pm through the backwoods going from my house to my wife's to pick up an Army uniform.. Fat, dumb and in a hurry because of duty early the next morning.

I didn't see the deer until it seemed my car was right next to the little thing. It was in the oncoming lane and at that moment it decided to leap in front of my car. I screamed and jerked the wheel to the left. I almost missed it. 

The deer? I don't have a clue. The last time I saw it, it was sailing through the air. I cried not only because it died, but that it was the first time I had killed anything since Iraq.

What ended up happening to my car was that the deer contacted my car on the right front bumper. It took out my bumper, radiator and air conditioning unit and possibly the engine because I drove it 15 miles with no coolant fluid. I say possibly because the engine was making noises engines are not supposed to make. Kinda like a tin can full of bumble bees and steel washers.

In my favor it was only 35 degrees outside, it was dark, very late and I was in the middle of nowhere. I was not going to pull over unless the car simply stopped running.

So the car is damaged and I could care less, it's a company car. I put it in the shop and haven't thought about it until now.


What I can't stop thinking about is that deer. I know, I know, it's just a deer. I understand why the deer's death affects me so much. 
What I didn't expect is what happened next.

December 17, 2011

There was a dream, a nightmare.

I woke up crying. This deer accident was being replayed. It happened just like I described above. To a point.

Here's the difference: After I hit the deer, I stopped and got out to check on the deer. I ran around the car and when I got to the front, I saw something that terrifies me days later.

It wasn't a deer on the side of the road....It was Matthew Maupin.
Oh, my God. 
In my dream, I got closer and held him in my arms. 
I won't go into the details of what happened next because I can't. 
I will say that Matt died again because of me. Only, this time in my arms.

I couldn't go back to sleep, I was afraid of continuing that dream. It hasn't come back and I pray that it won't with the retelling. If it does, no more stories of Iraq.

Is there a message to this story? I don't have a clue. Did this help me by telling it? I thought it would. I'm not sure now. I guess we'll see.

Take care friends

Caroline