I got there and they were trying to place me in one of the three groups that meet simultaneously. The Anger group, the compulsion group or the chemical group. I must have sounded stupid because I just stood there trying to figure out where to go. They just looked at me while I looked at them. Much the same way a cow looks at a new gate.
I said, well I don't have an anger problem, nor do I have a chemical problem. The leader then assumed that it must be compulsion group and told me that lots of men have problems with pornography. I was like, well it's surely not that. It was his turn to look at me much like a cow looks at a new gate.
I got ushered into the compulsion group anyway. I humbly think this group, any of these groups for me are a mistake. I know God can show up anywhere, but I was embarrassed and humiliated for me and the guys in this group. When it came time for me to speak, they looked at me and said, well, (my name omitted), is there anything you'd like to share? I said, "Well, I think that I'm in the wrong group". Followed by, "I'm giving God one more chance". After a bit, I did tell them that I was dealing with gender issues and left it at that.
I got a few nods, then one of the guys said, well sometimes when guys are molested, the problems that are caused manifest themselves in many different ways.
I was thinking, Lord, help me! ;)
Argh. What's next? Do I have to go back? My wife was all behind this group. Do you know, that when I told her that I wanted to go to this group, she said: "good, I was hoping you would. I've always thought that this was an addiction. What with you reading and researching this all the time" I went to the bathroom and cried. I realized that she still thinks that this is a habit, an addiction, something that I can control, a choice. Which means that our marriage is over unless God intervenes. I've given Him six months. I told the group that tonight. I didn't get any nods.
It's funny. The group made a big deal of needing and having a sponsor and an accountability partner. Both of these people have to have walked the same path you have. How interesting, I thought. Whom will God put in my path? Recovered drug addicts, compulsive cheaters, pornographers and other interesting people are coming out of the woodwork there, I did not see anyone with gender issues. Doubtful I will.
Why go to the group a: in your old church & b: in an area as small/rural as this?
ReplyDeleteTry a group in a larger catchment basin like BTR or N.O. While I don't put a lot personaly in time frames to God, he kinda moves on Haji time, amiright? You know, I know you know, that God wouldn't answer your pray with the exact verbage or signs you are looking for, but with small signs that are easily missed if you are not looking.
Have you ever read the book, "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho? Do. It helps explain how we miss the signs.
Bro, no matter what, my love, no, our love (Linda's and mine) is with you and will do what we can to help and support you.
I know others that have been pushed into groups like that by their spouses and I think that it is horrible. one of the kindest and most gentle people I know was shoved into a church group that included pedophiles by her spouse. I can only imagine how it would feel to have ones spouse feeling that you belonged in the same group with pedophiles . . .
ReplyDeleteI am about as far from a religious person as you can get and so probably should leave this part alone, but it seems to me that you are probably setting yourself up for failure if you expect and demand God to give you an unambiguous sign or message AND to do it on your deadline. I would try and alter your own expectations a bit, perhaps something a bit more along the lines of "I am doing this with the hopes that I receive a sign" rather than "Hey bucko, this is your last chance to impress me!". I think there would be less chance of your being horribly disappointed that way. LOL
Kim, I need something distinct, unmistakable. I want to want what God wants. I know that I've prayed so many times in my life for a favorable outcome, any outcome, anything but what I've got now.
ReplyDeleteI've asked for signs. I want miracles, signs and wonders. This is a big step, one that my heart says is the right move.
But.
If my God is the God He says He is then something unmistakable should not be out of the question.
As far as deadlines go, I'm moving toward what my heart and God's silence tell me. If God wants to light either way, I'm willing to follow. I'm tired of asking for God's help and hearing crickets.
I like your blog, btw.