King of Compromises

Compromise
–noun

1. a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

I'm reminded of some lyrics by DC Talk - "In The Light", it goes partially like this:

"I am the king of excuses I've got one for every selfish thing I do ."

I've long given myself the title: King of Compromises. Growing up and being trans has forced me to try to reconcile my head with my body. This is an impossible task as I have found out. I learned early on the art of compromising. I would let Caroline live inside my head. I was afraid of reality and the unknown. This ability to manage the real me up; until about 2 years ago, has led to the inability to compromise any more. My choice was clear, move forward with Caroline or prepare my family for a headstone.
One of the wonderful qualities my wife has; one that I have admired and respected since the day we met, is her ability to see black and white. She knows where to draw the line, and if the line is drawn, there is no compromise. The beautiful part of this is that her judgement and wisdom are usually impeccable. I have been drawn to this since I met her. I had been so used to compromising, lying to myself, bending or adjusting my feelings to fit a gender that wasn't what I felt inside; that this ability to compromise bled over into my everyday life.
The Bible says that we should be not be lukewarm. For the longest this compromise affected my walk with God. I felt that if I could be neither one nor the other, then how could God love me and did I really love God?
The problem is that I can't do this anymore. I have to be one. 
Yes, God loves me unconditionally, and I love God.